I'm Li Fangli, 40 years old, and work at Weinan Bridge Division of China Railway First Group Co., Ltd. I started to practice Falun Gong in April 1998 and had been hopelessly involved in the destructive community of cult since then, accepting unconditionally all the theories advocated by Li Hongzhi. Under the control of heretical ideas, I had done a lot of ridiculous things and great damages to myself and to my family. Looking back to what happened at that time I'm still emotional and have to spit out these tense feelings.

    When the shocking Zhongnanhai Incident broke out on April 25, 1999, I read only a little of "scriptures" and therefore hardly got what was really happening. On July 22, Chinese government banned Falun Gong; but watching TV programs about how practitioners died, got injured, and were disabled because of practicing Falun Gong, I felt disgruntled and rebellious. I told whoever I met that what they said on TV were rumors and slander, was sheer propaganda by government; at the same time, I met other fellow practitioners to discuss the latest "scriptures". When I was doing all these, I became increasingly angry at the government. In 2000, Li Hongzhi pointed out clearly in his Towards Consummation: "Disciples are waiting to achieve the consummation, and I can wait no more. Step out against the pressure so as to prove to the world that the disciples of Fa are great. The disciples facing up to the comprehensive and severe tests would finally establish the solid foundation of Dafa in the world and the concrete representation of Dafa in the man's world; while at the same time they would also achieve consummation by finding the greatest position for themselves. Everyone, you'll get your place in future by choice." At reading it, I knew it was time for me to step out to "protect Fa"; otherwise, I would fail in the test and would never achieve consummation. But I was delayed due to various reasons. Then I heard that lots of practitioners gathered at Tian'anmen Square after October 1 and I noticed this sentence in the new "scripture": "those hiding in home can only get False Enlightenment no matter how hard they have tried." I couldn't sit at home doing nothing at all and finally left home for Beijing.

    I was punished for openly defying the government and for interfering with normal social orders; I pretended to be obedient under the pressure but didn't regret it at all deep in my heart. I went to Beijing two more times in 2001 and 2004 to "protect Fa".

    Being spiritually controlled by Li Hongzhi and brainwashed by his scriptures, I went to Beijing with the task of "protecting Fa" for three times. Every time, I left home without telling my family; and every time I did it, it was such a blow to them. After I left for Beijing, my parents, my husband, and my daughter were so worried. My mother cried a lot out of concerns, but I thought that I was doing this to "cultivate away fame, material interest, and emotion", to "let go of the last attachments of ordinary beings", to meet the requirements of Li Hongzhi, and to "go up to higher level and achieve consummation."

    My running away from home for several times hurt my husband in particular and I was soon realized that I should not do this to him any more. So I made up my mind to stop. But I was still obsessed with cultivation and always quarreled with him about studying Fa and practicing Falun Gong. At realizing that I was hopeless, my husband started to drink a lot and came back home very late. As for me, I chose to ignore him and kept doing what I wanted to do. Because of this, our love gradually faded away and we couldn't find a topic even when we really manage to sit together.

    During the twelfth lunar month in 2005, having been crazy about Falun Gong for a long time, I started to experience hallucination. For three days, I heard the same voice and believed that it was "Master" who told me a long complete story. It said that before "Master" arrived at the earth, there was a God in the higher level of universe. The God was created and brought to the man's world for cycles of death and rebirth and had managed to acquire great virtues after numerous tribulations. The voice told me that each life of the God was arranged by "Master", that the God used to be beheaded for several times and then was reborn to be great poets, being a man first and then a woman. For ten thousand years, this God had endured and cultivated so as to help Master to rectify Fa when Fa was endangered. "Master" finally told me that the "God" was me.

    Since then, my thinking changed completely and I felt like the ruler of the universe and became proud and arrogant. I believed that my soul was created by Li Hongzhi, that I came from a world of higher level, and that I had a great mission here in man's world in this life. To make things worse, I thought the hallucination was actually a way that "Master" tried to enlighten me so as to help me to go a higher level of cultivation. It was time to severe all the worldly attachments. With the thought, I burned my marriage certificate, left a note and went away from home again.

    I did odd jobs in Henan Province for several months at first. I knew that my family must be worried about me; but I overcame the homesickness and didn't even make a call back home. Finally, I missed my girl so much and felt so guilty that I went back home by train.

    But it was too late and my husband officially filed for a divorce. This is the first time I knew what it was like to be abandoned by family. Seeing the painful expressions on the face of my parents and the eyes full of tears of my daughter, I finally realized how stupid and ridiculous I was to be so crazy about "going up to a higher level."